HumanitiesWeb.org - The Merry Wives of Windsor (ACT III.) by William Shakespeare
HumanitiesWeb HumanitiesWeb
WelcomeHistoryLiteratureArtMusicPhilosophyResourcesHelp
Periods Alphabetically Nationality Topics Themes Genres Glossary
pixel

Shakespeare
Index
Biography
Selected Works
Quotations
According To...
Suggested Reading
Other Resources
Chronology
Related Materials

Search

Get Your Degree!

Find schools and get information on the program that’s right for you.

Powered by Campus Explorer

& etc
FEEDBACK

(C)1998-2012
All Rights Reserved.

Site last updated
28 October, 2012
Real Time Analytics

The Merry Wives of Windsor
ACT III.

by William Shakespeare

                       Scene 1.

                     A field near Frogmore

                Enter SIR HUGH EVANS and SIMPLE

  EVANS. I pray you now, good Master Slender's serving-man,
    and friend Simple by your name, which way have you
    look'd for Master Caius, that calls himself Doctor of
    Physic?
  SIMPLE. Marry, sir, the pittie-ward, the park-ward; every
    way; old Windsor way, and every way but the town way.
  EVANS. I most fehemently desire you you will also look that
    way.
  SIMPLE. I will, Sir.                                      Exit
  EVANS. Pless my soul, how full of chollors I am, and trempling
    of mind! I shall be glad if he have deceived me. How
    melancholies I am! I will knog his urinals about his knave's
    costard when I have goot opportunities for the ork. Pless
    my soul!                                             [Sings]
    To shallow rivers, to whose falls
    Melodious birds sings madrigals;
    There will we make our peds of roses,
    And a thousand fragrant posies.
    To shallow-
    Mercy on me! I have a great dispositions to cry.     [Sings]
    Melodious birds sing madrigals-
    Whenas I sat in Pabylon-
    And a thousand vagram posies.
    To shallow, etc.

                       Re-enter SIMPLE

  SIMPLE. Yonder he is, coming this way, Sir Hugh.
  EVANS. He's welcome.                                   [Sings]
    To shallow rivers, to whose falls-
    Heaven prosper the right! What weapons is he?
  SIMPLE. No weapons, sir. There comes my master, Master
    Shallow, and another gentleman, from Frogmore, over the
    stile, this way.
  EVANS. Pray you give me my gown; or else keep it in your
    arms.                                     [Takes out a book]

               Enter PAGE, SHALLOW, and SLENDER

  SHALLOW. How now, Master Parson! Good morrow, good
    Sir Hugh. Keep a gamester from the dice, and a good student
     from his book, and it is wonderful.
  SLENDER.  [Aside]  Ah, sweet Anne Page!
  PAGE. Save you, good Sir Hugh!
  EVANS. Pless you from his mercy sake, all of you!
  SHALLOW. What, the sword and the word! Do you study
    them both, Master Parson?
  PAGE. And youthful still, in your doublet and hose, this raw
    rheumatic day!
  EVANS. There is reasons and causes for it.
  PAGE. We are come to you to do a good office, Master
    Parson.
  EVANS. Fery well; what is it?
  PAGE. Yonder is a most reverend gentleman, who, belike having
    received wrong by some person, is at most odds with
    his own gravity and patience that ever you saw.
  SHALLOW. I have lived fourscore years and upward; I never
    heard a man of his place, gravity, and learning, so wide of
    his own respect.
  EVANS. What is he?
  PAGE. I think you know him: Master Doctor Caius, the
    renowned French physician.
  EVANS. Got's will and his passion of my heart! I had as lief
    you would tell me of a mess of porridge.
  PAGE. Why?
  EVANS. He has no more knowledge in Hibocrates and
    Galen, and he is a knave besides-a cowardly knave as you
    would desires to be acquainted withal.
  PAGE. I warrant you, he's the man should fight with him.
  SLENDER.  [Aside]  O sweet Anne Page!
  SHALLOW. It appears so, by his weapons. Keep them asunder;
    here comes Doctor Caius.

                 Enter HOST, CAIUS, and RUGBY

  PAGE. Nay, good Master Parson, keep in your weapon.
  SHALLOW. So do you, good Master Doctor.
  HOST. Disarm them, and let them question; let them keep
    their limbs whole and hack our English.
  CAIUS. I pray you, let-a me speak a word with your ear.
    Verefore will you not meet-a me?
  EVANS.  [Aside to CAIUS]  Pray you use your patience; in
    good time.
  CAIUS. By gar, you are de coward, de Jack dog, John ape.
  EVANS.  [Aside to CAIUS]  Pray you, let us not be
    laughing-stocks to other men's humours; I desire you in
    friendship, and I will one way or other make you amends.
    [Aloud]  I will knog your urinals about your knave's cogscomb
    for missing your meetings and appointments.
  CAIUS. Diable! Jack Rugby-mine Host de Jarteer-have I
    not stay for him to kill him? Have I not, at de place I did
    appoint?
  EVANS. As I am a Christians soul, now, look you, this is the
    place appointed. I'll be judgment by mine host of the
    Garter.
  HOST. Peace, I say, Gallia and Gaul, French and Welsh,
    soul-curer and body-curer.
  CAIUS. Ay, dat is very good! excellent!
  HOST. Peace, I say. Hear mine host of the Garter. Am I
    politic? am I subtle? am I a Machiavel? Shall I lose my
    doctor? No; he gives me the potions and the motions. Shall I
    lose my parson, my priest, my Sir Hugh? No; he gives me
    the proverbs and the noverbs. Give me thy hand, terrestrial;
    so. Give me thy hand, celestial; so. Boys of art, I have
    deceiv'd you both; I have directed you to wrong places;
    your hearts are mighty, your skins are whole, and let burnt
    sack be the issue. Come, lay their swords to pawn. Follow
    me, lads of peace; follow, follow, follow.
  SHALLOW. Trust me, a mad host. Follow, gentlemen, follow.
  SLENDER.  [Aside]  O sweet Anne Page!
                                  Exeunt all but CAIUS and EVANS
  CAIUS. Ha, do I perceive dat? Have you make-a de sot of us,
    ha, ha?
  EVANS. This is well; he has made us his vlouting-stog. I
    desire you that we may be friends; and let us knog our prains
    together to be revenge on this same scall, scurvy, cogging
    companion, the host of the Garter.
  CAIUS. By gar, with all my heart. He promise to bring me
    where is Anne Page; by gar, he deceive me too.
  EVANS. Well, I will smite his noddles. Pray you follow.
                                                          Exeunt


                           
                           
                           Scene 2.

                    The street in Windsor

                Enter MISTRESS PAGE and ROBIN

  MRS. PAGE. Nay, keep your way, little gallant; you were
    wont to be a follower, but now you are a leader. Whether
    had you rather lead mine eyes, or eye your master's heels?
  ROBIN. I had rather, forsooth, go before you like a man than
    follow him like a dwarf.
  MRS. PAGE. O, you are a flattering boy; now I see you'll be a
    courtier.

                          Enter FORD

  FORD. Well met, Mistress Page. Whither go you?
  MRS. PAGE. Truly, sir, to see your wife. Is she at home?
  FORD. Ay; and as idle as she may hang together, for want of
    company. I think, if your husbands were dead, you two
    would marry.
  MRS. PAGE. Be sure of that-two other husbands.
  FORD. Where had you this pretty weathercock?
  MRS. PAGE. I cannot tell what the dickens his name is my
    husband had him of. What do you call your knight's
    name, sirrah?
  ROBIN. Sir John Falstaff.
  FORD. Sir John Falstaff!
  MRS. PAGE. He, he; I can never hit on's name. There is such
    a league between my good man and he! Is your wife at
    home indeed?
  FORD. Indeed she is.
  MRS. PAGE. By your leave, sir. I am sick till I see her.
                                      Exeunt MRS. PAGE and ROBIN
  FORD. Has Page any brains? Hath he any eyes? Hath he any
    thinking? Sure, they sleep; he hath no use of them. Why,
    this boy will carry a letter twenty mile as easy as a cannon
    will shoot pointblank twelve score. He pieces out his wife's
    inclination; he gives her folly motion and advantage; and
    now she's going to my wife, and Falstaff's boy with her. A
    man may hear this show'r sing in the wind. And Falstaff's
    boy with her! Good plots! They are laid; and our revolted
    wives share damnation together. Well; I will take him,
    then torture my wife, pluck the borrowed veil of modesty
    from the so seeming Mistress Page, divulge Page himself
    for a secure and wilful Actaeon; and to these violent proceedings
    all my neighbours shall cry aim.  [Clock strikes]
    The clock gives me my cue, and my assurance bids me
    search; there I shall find Falstaff. I shall be rather prais'd
    for this than mock'd; for it is as positive as the earth is firm
    that Falstaff is there. I will go.

     Enter PAGE, SHALLOW, SLENDER, HOST, SIR HUGH EVANS,
                              CAIUS, and RUGBY

  SHALLOW, PAGE, &C. Well met, Master Ford.
  FORD. Trust me, a good knot; I have good cheer at home,
    and I pray you all go with me.
  SHALLOW. I must excuse myself, Master Ford.
  SLENDER. And so must I, sir; we have appointed to dine with
    Mistress Anne, and I would not break with her for more
    money than I'll speak of.
  SHALLOW. We have linger'd about a match between Anne
    Page and my cousin Slender, and this day we shall have
    our answer.
  SLENDER. I hope I have your good will, father Page.
  PAGE. You have, Master Slender; I stand wholly for you. But
    my wife, Master Doctor, is for you altogether.
  CAIUS. Ay, be-gar; and de maid is love-a me; my nursh-a
    Quickly tell me so mush.
  HOST. What say you to young Master Fenton? He capers,
    he dances, he has eyes of youth, he writes verses, he speaks
    holiday, he smells April and May; he will carry 't, he will
    carry 't; 'tis in his buttons; he will carry 't.
  PAGE. Not by my consent, I promise you. The gentleman is
    of no having: he kept company with the wild Prince and
    Poins; he is of too high a region, he knows too much. No,
    he shall not knit a knot in his fortunes with the finger of
    my substance; if he take her, let him take her simply; the
    wealth I have waits on my consent, and my consent goes
    not that way.
  FORD. I beseech you, heartily, some of you go home with me
    to dinner: besides your cheer, you shall have sport; I will
    show you a monster. Master Doctor, you shall go; so shall
    you, Master Page; and you, Sir Hugh.
  SHALLOW. Well, fare you well; we shall have the freer
    wooing at Master Page's.          Exeunt SHALLOW and SLENDER
  CAIUS. Go home, John Rugby; I come anon.            Exit RUGBY
  HOST. Farewell, my hearts; I will to my honest knight
    Falstaff, and drink canary with him.               Exit HOST
  FORD.  [Aside]  I think I shall drink in pipe-wine first with
    him. I'll make him dance. Will you go, gentles?
  ALL. Have with you to see this monster.                 Exeunt


                           
                           
                           Scene 3.

                         FORD'S house

             Enter MISTRESS FORD and MISTRESS PAGE

  MRS. FORD. What, John! what, Robert!
  MRS. PAGE. Quickly, quickly! Is the buck-basket-
  MRS. FORD. I warrant. What, Robin, I say!

                 Enter SERVANTS with a basket

  MRS. PAGE. Come, come, come.
  MRS. FORD. Here, set it down.
  MRS. PAGE. Give your men the charge; we must be brief.
  MRS. FORD. Marry, as I told you before, John and Robert, be
    ready here hard by in the brew-house; and when I suddenly
    call you, come forth, and, without any pause or
    staggering, take this basket on your shoulders. That done,
    trudge with it in all haste, and carry it among the whitsters
    in Datchet Mead, and there empty it in the muddy ditch
    close by the Thames side.
  Mrs. PAGE. You will do it?
  MRS. FORD. I ha' told them over and over; they lack no
    direction. Be gone, and come when you are call'd.
                                               Exeunt SERVANTS
  MRS. PAGE. Here comes little Robin.

                         Enter ROBIN

  MRS. FORD. How now, my eyas-musket, what news with
    you?
  ROBIN. My Master Sir John is come in at your back-door,
    Mistress Ford, and requests your company.
  MRS. PAGE. You little Jack-a-Lent, have you been true to us?
  ROBIN. Ay, I'll be sworn. My master knows not of your
    being here, and hath threat'ned to put me into everlasting
    liberty, if I tell you of it; for he swears he'll turn me away.
  MRS. PAGE. Thou 'rt a good boy; this secrecy of thine shall
    be a tailor to thee, and shall make thee a new doublet and
    hose. I'll go hide me.
  MRS. FORD. Do so. Go tell thy master I am alone.  [Exit
  ROBIN]  Mistress Page, remember you your cue.
  MRS. PAGE. I warrant thee; if I do not act it, hiss me.
                                                Exit MRS. PAGE
  MRS. FORD. Go to, then; we'll use this unwholesome
    humidity, this gross wat'ry pumpion; we'll teach him to
    know turtles from jays.

                      Enter FALSTAFF

  FALSTAFF. Have I caught thee, my heavenly jewel?
    Why, now let me die, for I have liv'd long enough; this is
    the period of my ambition. O this blessed hour!
  MRS. FORD. O sweet Sir John!
  FALSTAFF. Mistress Ford, I cannot cog, I cannot prate,
    Mistress Ford. Now shall I sin in my wish; I would thy
    husband were dead; I'll speak it before the best lord, I
    would make thee my lady.
  MRS. FORD. I your lady, Sir John? Alas, I should be a pitiful
    lady.
  FALSTAFF. Let the court of France show me such another. I
    see how thine eye would emulate the diamond; thou hast
    the right arched beauty of the brow that becomes the
    ship-tire, the tire-valiant, or any tire of Venetian admittance.
  MRS. FORD. A plain kerchief, Sir John; my brows become
    nothing else, nor that well neither.
  FALSTAFF. By the Lord, thou art a tyrant to say so; thou
    wouldst make an absolute courtier, and the firm fixture of
    thy foot would give an excellent motion to thy gait in a
    semi-circled farthingale. I see what thou wert, if Fortune
    thy foe were, not Nature, thy friend. Come, thou canst not
    hide it.
  MRS. FORD. Believe me, there's no such thing in me.
  FALSTAFF. What made me love thee? Let that persuade thee
    there's something extra-ordinary in thee. Come, I cannot
    cog, and say thou art this and that, like a many of these
    lisping hawthorn-buds that come like women in men's
    apparel, and smell like Bucklersbury in simple time; I
    cannot; but I love thee, none but thee; and thou deserv'st it.
  MRS. FORD. Do not betray me, sir; I fear you love Mistress
    Page.
  FALSTAFF. Thou mightst as well say I love to walk by the
    Counter-gate, which is as hateful to me as the reek of a
    lime-kiln.
  MRS. FORD. Well, heaven knows how I love you; and you
    shall one day find it.
  FALSTAFF. Keep in that mind; I'll deserve it.
  MRS. FORD. Nay, I must tell you, so you do; or else I could
    not be in that mind.
  ROBIN.  [Within]  Mistress Ford, Mistress Ford! here's
    Mistress Page at the door, sweating and blowing and looking
    wildly, and would needs speak with you presently.
  FALSTAFF. She shall not see me; I will ensconce me behind
    the arras.
  MRS. FORD. Pray you, do so; she's a very tattling woman.
                                      [FALSTAFF hides himself]

               Re-enter MISTRESS PAGE and ROBIN

    What's the matter? How now!
  MRS. PAGE. O Mistress Ford, what have you done? You're
    sham'd, y'are overthrown, y'are undone for ever.
  MRS. FORD. What's the matter, good Mistress Page?
  MRS. PAGE. O well-a-day, Mistress Ford, having an honest
    man to your husband, to give him such cause of suspicion!
  MRS. FORD. What cause of suspicion?
  MRS. PAGE. What cause of suspicion? Out upon you, how
    am I mistook in you!
  MRS. FORD. Why, alas, what's the matter?
  MRS. PAGE. Your husband's coming hither, woman, with all
    the officers in Windsor, to search for a gentleman that he
    says is here now in the house, by your consent, to take an
    ill advantage of his absence. You are undone.
  MRS. FORD. 'Tis not so, I hope.
  MRS. PAGE. Pray heaven it be not so that you have such a
    man here; but 'tis most certain your husband's coming,
    with half Windsor at his heels, to search for such a one. I
    come before to tell you. If you know yourself clear, why,
    I am glad of it; but if you have a friend here, convey,
    convey him out. Be not amaz'd; call all your senses to you;
    defend your reputation, or bid farewell to your good life
    for ever.
  MRS. FORD. What shall I do? There is a gentleman, my dear
    friend; and I fear not mine own shame as much as his peril.
    I had rather than a thousand pound he were out of the
    house.
  MRS. PAGE. For shame, never stand 'you had rather' and 'you
    had rather'! Your husband's here at hand; bethink you of
    some conveyance; in the house you cannot hide him. O,
    how have you deceiv'd me! Look, here is a basket; if he be
    of any reasonable stature, he may creep in here; and throw
    foul linen upon him, as if it were going to bucking, or-it is
    whiting-time-send him by your two men to Datchet
    Mead.
  MRS. FORD. He's too big to go in there. What shall I do?
  FALSTAFF.  [Coming forward]  Let me see 't, let me see 't. O,
    let me see 't! I'll in, I'll in; follow your friend's counsel;
    I'll in.
  MRS. PAGE. What, Sir John Falstaff!      [Aside to FALSTAFF]
    Are these your letters, knight?
  FALSTAFF.  [Aside to MRS. PAGE]  I love thee and none but
    thee; help me away.-Let me creep in here; I'll never-
    [Gets into the basket; they cover him with foul linen]
  MRS. PAGE. Help to cover your master, boy. Call your men,
    Mistress Ford. You dissembling knight!
  MRS. FORD. What, John! Robert! John!                Exit ROBIN

                 Re-enter SERVANTS

    Go, take up these clothes here, quickly; where's the
    cowl-staff? Look how you drumble. Carry them to the laundress
    in Datchet Mead; quickly, come.

         Enter FORD, PAGE, CAIUS, and SIR HUGH EVANS

  FORD. Pray you come near. If I suspect without cause, why
    then make sport at me, then let me be your jest; I deserve
    it. How now, whither bear you this?
  SERVANT. To the laundress, forsooth.
  MRS. FORD. Why, what have you to do whither they bear it?
    You were best meddle with buck-washing.
  FORD. Buck? I would I could wash myself of the buck!
    Buck, buck, buck! ay, buck! I warrant you, buck; and of
    the season too, it shall appear.  [Exeunt SERVANTS with
    basket]  Gentlemen, I have dream'd to-night; I'll tell you my
    dream. Here, here, here be my keys; ascend my chambers,
    search, seek, find out. I'll warrant we'll unkennel the fox.
    Let me stop this way first.  [Locking the door]  So, now
    uncape.
  PAGE. Good Master Ford, be contented; you wrong yourself
    too much.
  FORD. True, Master Page. Up, gentlemen, you shall see sport
    anon; follow me, gentlemen.                             Exit
  EVANS. This is fery fantastical humours and jealousies.
  CAIUS. By gar, 'tis no the fashion of France; it is not jealous
    in France.
  PAGE. Nay, follow him, gentlemen; see the issue of his
    search.                        Exeunt EVANS, PAGE, and CAIUS
  MRS. PAGE. Is there not a double excellency in this?
  MRS. FORD. I know not which pleases me better, that my
    husband is deceived, or Sir John.
  MRS. PAGE. What a taking was he in when your husband
    ask'd who was in the basket!
  MRS. FORD. I am half afraid he will have need of washing; so
    throwing him into the water will do him a benefit.
  MRS. PAGE. Hang him, dishonest rascal! I would all of the
    same strain were in the same distress.
  MRS. FORD. I think my husband hath some special suspicion
    of Falstaff's being here, for I never saw him so gross in his
    jealousy till now.
  MRS. PAGE. I Will lay a plot to try that, and we will yet have
    more tricks with Falstaff. His dissolute disease will scarce
    obey this medicine.
  MRS. FORD. Shall we send that foolish carrion, Mistress
    Quickly, to him, and excuse his throwing into the water,
    and give him another hope, to betray him to another
    punishment?
  MRS. PAGE. We will do it; let him be sent for to-morrow
    eight o'clock, to have amends.

       Re-enter FORD, PAGE, CAIUS, and SIR HUGH EVANS

  FORD. I cannot find him; may be the knave bragg'd of that
    he could not compass.
  MRS. PAGE.  [Aside to MRS. FORD]  Heard you that?
  MRS. FORD. You use me well, Master Ford, do you?
  FORD. Ay, I do so.
  MRS. FORD. Heaven make you better than your thoughts!
  FORD. Amen.
  MRS. PAGE. You do yourself mighty wrong, Master Ford.
  FORD. Ay, ay; I must bear it.
  EVANS. If there be any pody in the house, and in the
    chambers, and in the coffers, and in the presses, heaven forgive
    my sins at the day of judgment!
  CAIUS. Be gar, nor I too; there is no bodies.
  PAGE. Fie, fie, Master Ford, are you not asham'd? What
    spirit, what devil suggests this imagination? I would not ha'
    your distemper in this kind for the wealth of Windsor
    Castle.
  FORD. 'Tis my fault, Master Page; I suffer for it.
  EVANS. You suffer for a pad conscience. Your wife is as
    honest a omans as I will desires among five thousand, and five
    hundred too.
  CAIUS. By gar, I see 'tis an honest woman.
  FORD. Well, I promis'd you a dinner. Come, come, walk in
    the Park. I pray you pardon me; I will hereafter make
    known to you why I have done this. Come, wife, come,
    Mistress Page; I pray you pardon me; pray heartly,
    pardon me.
  PAGE. Let's go in, gentlemen; but, trust me, we'll mock him.
    I do invite you to-morrow morning to my house to breakfast;
    after, we'll a-birding together; I have a fine hawk for
    the bush. Shall it be so?
  FORD. Any thing.
  EVANS. If there is one, I shall make two in the company.
  CAIUS. If there be one or two, I shall make-a the turd.
  FORD. Pray you go, Master Page.
  EVANS. I pray you now, remembrance to-morrow on the
    lousy knave, mine host.
  CAIUS. Dat is good; by gar, with all my heart.
  EVANS. A lousy knave, to have his gibes and his mockeries!
                                                          Exeunt


                           Scene 4.

                      Before PAGE'S house

                   Enter FENTON and ANNE PAGE

  FENTON. I see I cannot get thy father's love;
    Therefore no more turn me to him, sweet Nan.
  ANNE. Alas, how then?
  FENTON. Why, thou must be thyself.
    He doth object I am too great of birth;
    And that, my state being gall'd with my expense,
    I seek to heal it only by his wealth.
    Besides these, other bars he lays before me,
    My riots past, my wild societies;
    And tells me 'tis a thing impossible
    I should love thee but as a property.
  ANNE.. May be he tells you true.
  FENTON. No, heaven so speed me in my time to come!
    Albeit I will confess thy father's wealth
    Was the first motive that I woo'd thee, Anne;
    Yet, wooing thee, I found thee of more value
    Than stamps in gold, or sums in sealed bags;
    And 'tis the very riches of thyself
    That now I aim at.
  ANNE. Gentle Master Fenton,
    Yet seek my father's love; still seek it, sir.
    If opportunity and humblest suit
    Cannot attain it, why then-hark you hither.
                                           [They converse apart]

        Enter SHALLOW, SLENDER, and MISTRESS QUICKLY

  SHALLOW. Break their talk, Mistress Quickly; my kinsman
    shall speak for himself.
  SLENDER. I'll make a shaft or a bolt on 't; 'slid, 'tis but
    venturing.
  SHALLOW. Be not dismay'd.
  SLENDER. No, she shall not dismay me. I care not for that,
    but that I am afeard.
  QUICKLY. Hark ye, Master Slender would speak a word
    with you.
  ANNE. I come to him.  [Aside]  This is my father's choice.
    O, what a world of vile ill-favour'd faults
    Looks handsome in three hundred pounds a year!
  QUICKLY. And how does good Master Fenton? Pray you, a
    word with you.
  SHALLOW. She's coming; to her, coz. O boy, thou hadst a
    father!
  SLENDER. I had a father, Mistress Anne; my uncle can tell
    you good jests of him. Pray you, uncle, tell Mistress Anne
    the jest how my father stole two geese out of a pen, good
    uncle.
  SHALLOW. Mistress Anne, my cousin loves you.
  SLENDER. Ay, that I do; as well as I love any woman in
    Gloucestershire.
  SHALLOW. He will maintain you like a gentlewoman.
  SLENDER. Ay, that I will come cut and longtail, under the
    degree of a squire.
  SHALLOW. He will make you a hundred and fifty pounds
    jointure.
  ANNE. Good Master Shallow, let him woo for himself.
  SHALLOW. Marry, I thank you for it; I thank you for that
    good comfort. She calls you, coz; I'll leave you.
  ANNE. Now, Master Slender-
  SLENDER. Now, good Mistress Anne-
  ANNE. What is your will?
  SLENDER. My Will! 'Od's heartlings, that's a pretty jest
    indeed! I ne'er made my will yet, I thank heaven; I am not
    such a sickly creature, I give heaven praise.
  ANNE. I mean, Master Slender, what would you with me?
  SLENDER. Truly, for mine own part I would little or nothing
    with you. Your father and my uncle hath made motions;
    if it be my luck, so; if not, happy man be his dole! They
    can tell you how things go better than I can. You may ask
    your father; here he comes.

            Enter PAGE and MISTRESS PAGE

  PAGE. Now, Master Slender! Love him, daughter Anne-
    Why, how now, what does Master Fenton here?
    You wrong me, sir, thus still to haunt my house.
    I told you, sir, my daughter is dispos'd of.
  FENTON. Nay, Master Page, be not impatient.
  MRS. PAGE. Good Master Fenton, come not to my child.
  PAGE. She is no match for you.
  FENTON. Sir, will you hear me?
  PAGE. No, good Master Fenton.
    Come, Master Shallow; come, son Slender; in.
    Knowing my mind, you wrong me, Master Fenton.
                               Exeunt PAGE, SHALLOW, and SLENDER
  QUICKLY. Speak to Mistress Page.
  FENTON. Good Mistress Page, for that I love your daughter
    In such a righteous fashion as I do,
    Perforce, against all checks, rebukes, and manners,
    I must advance the colours of my love,
    And not retire. Let me have your good will.
  ANNE. Good mother, do not marry me to yond fool.
  MRS. PAGE. I mean it not; I seek you a better husband.
  QUICKLY. That's my master, Master Doctor.
  ANNE. Alas, I had rather be set quick i' th' earth.
    And bowl'd to death with turnips.
  MRS. PAGE. Come, trouble not yourself. Good Master
    Fenton,
    I will not be your friend, nor enemy;
    My daughter will I question how she loves you,
    And as I find her, so am I affected;
    Till then, farewell, sir; she must needs go in;
    Her father will be angry.
  FENTON. Farewell, gentle mistress; farewell, Nan.
                                       Exeunt MRS. PAGE and ANNE
  QUICKLY. This is my doing now: 'Nay,' said I 'will you cast
    away your child on a fool, and a physician? Look on
    Master Fenton.' This is my doing.
  FENTON. I thank thee; and I pray thee, once to-night
    Give my sweet Nan this ring. There's for thy pains.
  QUICKLY. Now Heaven send thee good fortune!  [Exit
    FENTON]  A kind heart he hath; a woman would run through
    fire and water for such a kind heart. But yet I would my
    master had Mistress Anne; or I would Master Slender had
    her; or, in sooth, I would Master Fenton had her; I will
    do what I can for them all three, for so I have promis'd,
    and I'll be as good as my word; but speciously for Master
    Fenton. Well, I must of another errand to Sir John Falstaff
    from my two mistresses. What a beast am I to slack it!
                                                            Exit


                              
                              
                              Scene 5.

                           The Garter Inn

                     Enter FALSTAFF and BARDOLPH

  FALSTAFF. Bardolph, I say!
  BARDOLPH. Here, sir.
  FALSTAFF. Go fetch me a quart of sack; put a toast in 't.
                                                   Exit BARDOLPH
    Have I liv'd to be carried in a basket, like a barrow of
    butcher's offal, and to be thrown in the Thames? Well, if
    I be serv'd such another trick, I'll have my brains ta'en out
    and butter'd, and give them to a dog for a new-year's gift.
    The rogues slighted me into the river with as little remorse
    as they would have drown'd a blind bitch's puppies, fifteen
    i' th' litter; and you may know by my size that I have
    a kind of alacrity in sinking; if the bottom were as deep as
    hell I should down. I had been drown'd but that the shore
    was shelvy and shallow-a death that I abhor; for the water
    swells a man; and what a thing should I have been when
    had been swell'd! I should have been a mountain of
    mummy.

                  Re-enter BARDOLPH, with sack

  BARDOLPH. Here's Mistress Quickly, sir, to speak with you
  FALSTAFF. Come, let me pour in some sack to the Thames
    water; for my belly's as cold as if I had swallow'd
    snowballs for pills to cool the reins. Call her in.
  BARDOLPH. Come in, woman.

                     Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY

  QUICKLY. By your leave; I cry you mercy. Give your
    worship good morrow.
  FALSTAFF. Take away these chalices. Go, brew me a pottle
    of sack finely.
  BARDOLPH. With eggs, sir?
  FALSTAFF. Simple of itself; I'll no pullet-sperm in my
    brewage.  [Exit BARDOLPH]  How now!
  QUICKLY. Marry, sir, I come to your worship from Mistress
    Ford.
  FALSTAFF. Mistress Ford! I have had ford enough; I was
    thrown into the ford; I have my belly full of ford.
  QUICKLY. Alas the day, good heart, that was not her fault!
    She does so take on with her men; they mistook their
    erection.
  FALSTAFF. So did I mine, to build upon a foolish woman's
    promise.
  QUICKLY. Well, she laments, sir, for it, that it would yearn
    your heart to see it. Her husband goes this morning
    a-birding; she desires you once more to come to her between
    eight and nine; I must carry her word quickly. She'll make
    you amends, I warrant you.
  FALSTAFF. Well, I Will visit her. Tell her so; and bid her
    think what a man is. Let her consider his frailty, and then
    judge of my merit.
  QUICKLY. I will tell her.
  FALSTAFF. Do so. Between nine and ten, say'st thou?
  QUICKLY. Eight and nine, sir.
  FALSTAFF. Well, be gone; I will not miss her.
  QUICKLY. Peace be with you, sir.                          Exit
  FALSTAFF. I marvel I hear not of Master Brook; he sent me
    word to stay within. I like his money well. O, here he
    comes.

                       Enter FORD disguised

  FORD. Bless you, sir!
  FALSTAFF. Now, Master Brook, you come to know what
    hath pass'd between me and Ford's wife?
  FORD. That, indeed, Sir John, is my business.
  FALSTAFF. Master Brook, I will not lie to you; I was at her
    house the hour she appointed me.
  FORD. And sped you, sir?
  FALSTAFF. Very ill-favouredly, Master Brook.
  FORD. How so, sir; did she change her determination?
  FALSTAFF. No. Master Brook; but the peaking cornuto her
    husband, Master Brook, dwelling in a continual 'larum of
    jealousy, comes me in the instant of our, encounter, after
    we had embrac'd, kiss'd, protested, and, as it were, spoke
    the prologue of our comedy; and at his heels a rabble of his
    companions, thither provoked and instigated by his
    distemper, and, forsooth, to search his house for his wife's
    love.
  FORD. What, while you were there?
  FALSTAFF. While I was there.
  FORD. And did he search for you, and could not find you?
  FALSTAFF. You shall hear. As good luck would have it, comes
    in one Mistress Page, gives intelligence of Ford's approach;
    and, in her invention and Ford's wife's distraction, they
    convey'd me into a buck-basket.
  FORD. A buck-basket!
  FALSTAFF. By the Lord, a buck-basket! Ramm'd me in with
    foul shirts and smocks, socks, foul stockings, greasy
    napkins, that, Master Brook, there was the rankest compound
    of villainous smell that ever offended nostril.
  FORD. And how long lay you there?
  FALSTAFF. Nay, you shall hear, Master Brook, what I have
    suffer'd to bring this woman to evil for your good. Being
    thus cramm'd in the basket, a couple of Ford's knaves, his
    hinds, were call'd forth by their mistress to carry me in
    the name of foul clothes to Datchet Lane; they took me on
    their shoulders; met the jealous knave their master in the
    door; who ask'd them once or twice what they had in their
    basket. I quak'd for fear lest the lunatic knave would have
    search'd it; but Fate, ordaining he should be a cuckold,
    held his hand. Well, on went he for a search, and away
    went I for foul clothes. But mark the sequel, Master
    Brook-I suffered the pangs of three several deaths: first,
    an intolerable fright to be detected with a jealous rotten
    bell-wether; next, to be compass'd like a good bilbo in the
    circumference of a peck, hilt to point, heel to head; and
    then, to be stopp'd in, like a strong distillation, with
    stinking clothes that fretted in their own grease. Think of that
    -a man of my kidney. Think of that-that am as subject to
    heat as butter; a man of continual dissolution and thaw. It
    was a miracle to scape suffocation. And in the height of
    this bath, when I was more than half-stew'd in grease, like
    a Dutch dish, to be thrown into the Thames, and cool'd,
    glowing hot, in that surge, like a horse-shoe; think of that
    -hissing hot. Think of that, Master Brook.
  FORD. In good sadness, sir, I am sorry that for my sake you
    have suffer'd all this. My suit, then, is desperate;
    you'll undertake her no more.
  FALSTAFF. Master Brook, I will be thrown into Etna, as I
    have been into Thames, ere I will leave her thus. Her
    husband is this morning gone a-birding; I have received from
    her another embassy of meeting; 'twixt eight and nine is
    the hour, Master Brook.
  FORD. 'Tis past eight already, sir.
  FALSTAFF. Is it? I Will then address me to my appointment.
    Come to me at your convenient leisure, and you shall
    know how I speed; and the conclusion shall be crowned
    with your enjoying her. Adieu. You shall have her, Master
    Brook; Master Brook, you shall cuckold Ford.            Exit
  FORD. Hum! ha! Is this a vision? Is this a dream? Do I sleep?
    Master Ford, awake; awake, Master Ford. There's a hole
    made in your best coat, Master Ford. This 'tis to be
    married; this 'tis to have linen and buck-baskets! Well, I will
    proclaim myself what I am; I will now take the lecher; he
    is at my house. He cannot scape me; 'tis impossible he
    should; he cannot creep into a halfpenny purse nor into
    a pepper box. But, lest the devil that guides him should aid
    him, I will search impossible places. Though what I am I
    cannot avoid, yet to be what I would not shall not make
    me tame. If I have horns to make one mad, let the proverb
    go with me-I'll be horn mad.                            Exit
Previous Act Next Act
Personae

Terms Defined

Referenced Works